September 23, 2016

How Hurt & Pain Taught Me To Trust Myself




How Hurt & Pain Taught Me To Trust Myself

We must remind ourselves that we know ourselves best, and as such we are fully capable of making the best decisions for ourselves. When the Universe supports us, and everything falls into place for us to move forward in our best interests, while it is normal to experience doubt, it certainly isn't necessary to act on or entertain that doubt.

I'm someone who truly believes that sometimes saying yes to something/or someone means you're  saying No to yourself. In this vein, I'm also of the belief that sometimes giving the benefit of the doubt is of no benefit to the giver.


Someone is probably reading this and thinking how selfish this sounds. 

What would the world be without second chances? Forgiveness? People who give the benefit of the doubt?

Your point may be valid. 

As a woman though, I'm very conscious of the immense pressure I once felt to put others' needs before mine, and not offend or upset others. This is a pressure that I continue to experience, though it shrinks the older and wiser I become. My point here is that these social graces we extend sometimes are not truly of our own choosing, but due to culture, social norms, gender roles, familial obligations, and the pressure we feel to make certain decisions because of these things.

When I speak about reconsidering "the benefit of the doubt", I'm not talking about people or situations that deserve a second chance.

I'm talking about instances where we expend a significant amount of time, energy and effort trying to make a decision about a situation or relationship that is just plain bad for us, or no longer good for us. It is precisely because we've cared, loved, and invested time, that we do not make this decision easily nor lightly. It is because of this care and love, and the joy and happiness that we may have once experienced, that when it's no longer good, it's really bad. 

And sometimes it's just bad because it is. 

Sometimes people change - their values, wants and needs change. Sometimes the way people express these things cause real harm  - both visible and invisible. Some of us stick around hoping that time will resolve or dissolve the differences. All the while incurring the cost of this empty hope.

What ends up happening is that in the "Benefit of the Doubt" equation, the giver is left to manage the doubt, which is inevitably to the benefit of the person or situation that we'd removed ourselves from once before. Managing the doubt may then leave us grappling with questions of self-worth, bruises to our self-esteem, and may even go as far as to affect our mental, physical or spiritual health.

Sometimes we do get away. We get away but don't necessarily stop loving or caring or imagining what a life would be like with this person, or reminiscing about how great it felt when we had lovely experiences.

And though we move on, sometimes we forget what that particular hurt felt like. What it did to us. How  our flame was almost extinguished. How we almost lost ourselves for good. How unrecognizable we were when we finally looked in the mirror to see what that time had done to us.

The point of all this is to remind you that that the pain has a purpose.



None of this is easy. We make mistakes, relapse, and return to the familiar. When we do, each time the pain gets worse, and the lesson we're supposed to learn gets tougher as it nudges us to trust the decision we made the first time.

If for no other reason, let the pain remind you that you did the right thing. It is ultimately a test of whether you trust yourself enough to stand by your decision. You knew what was best for you then, and you do now.

Can you relate? Let me know in the comments!

Peace & Love,
Nik

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